Giving up vs. growing up


Yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind–as you could probably tell from my totally random WIAW post. Whatever–I got to see a bunch of long lost friends, go for a trail run on some new trails, get my zen on at yoga, and see marshmallows being made in the foods lab. Busy, huh?

So far today has been about this: me dancing back and forth between whether or not to go to the library today, whether or not to bike tonight or risk getting rained out tomorrow (looking like a sure thing) or going to spin in the morning (and what do I need to pack and how hard is it gone be to haul myself out of bed) and googling the menu at Veg Out for the delicious dinner date I’ve got planned and checking out yoga schedules to see when I can go get my zen on and wondering if my stomach hurts from the fro yo or the cereal last night or from anxiety and then realizing I need to slow the heck down. Scream into a pillow, if that helps. Stop these racing thoughts!

The solution: breakfast and a blog.


And lucky for me, I’ve got something to talk about.

When there’s background music, you know it’s gonna get good.

Last night, one of my friends who hasn’t seen me in a while asked a pretty innocent question (and he meant it in the kindest of ways because he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body). It went something like this:

“So, last time I saw you you were all excited because you got accepted to Columbia or some other Ivy League school for journalism. Now, you’re not going. What are you doing?”

It actually came out worse than that, but I’m doing him a favour and making it sound gentler than it was. Lucky for me, I was in a good mood (copious amounts of fro yo in my bowl helped) and could take it somewhat lightly, but I think it has more to do with where my head is at than with me being resilient or not caring what other people think (although those things are bonuses!). I’ve written before about some comments that bugged me about “giving up” on journalism and I’ve made it pretty clear that I think of my decision not to go to grad school to pursue a masters in journalism as a choice and as a way to open myself up to a bigger calling. Yes, I love to write and I think I will write as part of my future career, but I don’t think I need to go to grad school for it. Maybe that’s me being crazy, but all I need is a pen and paper or a computer and I can be a writer, no matter what other people might think. If I wanted to be a reporter things would be different. But I just want to write about things that I’m passionate about, and to me it seems like a better route to go after the things that I’m passionate about and let the writing happen. So there.

I did get to thinking though, that I’m going to probably go through a little bit of sorting if I decide not to finish this dietetics program. Am I giving up? Since this is the third–read it, THIRD time I’ve started the thing, I think to some people I might look like a failure.

That’s cool.

To me, I’m still awesome. I am just learning what I want and don’t want and exploring things. Do I really want to take these courses? Do I really want THIS job (though I know that I could do just about anything as an RD, I could also do a hell of a lot otherwise too)? Do I really FEEL right in this place? What is MY heart telling me to do?

Right now it’s telling me to be okay with not knowing, with seeking out and exploring some alternatives, and with being totally open to the possibility instead of fearing the unknown!

And here comes my point: I think we get so caught up in believing that we failed. 2 examples come to mind for me…

Example A: You try to “go vegan” (or vegetarian, or paleo, or to eat local). You flub up and eat some bacon from a farm on the other side of the world or whatever it is you were so sure you were never going to eat again. You immediately slide back into your old eating habits and maybe even go to an extreme. This is all or nothing thinking and this is typical, but it’s not right. What if instead, you gave yourself credit for all the times you didn’t mess up? So you went vegetarian to save the animals — think of all the chicken breasts you didn’t eat? So you went paleo because bread makes you feel sick — think of all the sandwiches you didn’t eat? Telling you to focus on the positive and celebrate your  successes might be cliche, but there’s a reason it’s cliche: because it’s classic an dlegit and you should do it!

Where are you beating yourself up where you could be giving yourself credit? 

Example B: You start a new job or a new program in school. It feels right for a while but you have an inkling suspicion that it’s wrong. But it’s secure: there’s a job at the end of it…or is there? You stay in it because you want security, but you feel like you’re settling. You think about all the other things you could be doing but you decide that at the risk of looking like you’re quitting, you power through it. … my thoughts are this: are you happy? Are you going to be happy? Yes, we have to put up with some crappy stuff along the way, but I would argue that it’s only worth it if it’s really going to be worth it. Is the payoff there? Are you going to have the life of your dreams? I think I summed up how I managed to shift from the “giving up” to the choice based perspective I’m taking on my decisions about school. What I’ve learned in the process is huge: the life of your dreams isn’t something you put off and create in the future, it’s in how you approach your life right now. 

Where are you hanging on for fear of being seen as a quitter? 

So I’m not saying you should drop out of school, quit your job, etc. etc. but I am saying that you should stop fearing failure. A fundamental shift happened for me: I’m not giving up on journalism, on being an ethical eater, on being a dietitian, on anything I may have set as a goal for myself. I am, however, learning by making mistakes. I am figuring out why I’m “failing” and I’m taking that as insight into how I can do better next time OR I’m adjusting my goals to better fit what I’m hearing from within. The other day I decided I wanted to eat more real food–less processed stuff. Then yesterday I had a very good start to things but ate froyo and cereal for dinner. Am I a failure? Do I start my day off today feeling bad about myself? Do I throw out the cereal in my cupboard so I don’t eat it all the time? Hells no. I check in and realize that like I said yesterday, change isn’t about guilt or about forcing yourself. I don’t actually want to eat all the same processed foods all the time. And good, powerful change comes from within so it wouldn’t matter what was in my cupboards…and I think we can all relate to this.

Are there foods you can’t keep in the house? Did you ever think that maybe you could if you just realized you wouldn’t be out of control if they were around? That it wouldn’t be guilt producing or feel wrong to eat something if you really were listening to what YOU want?

Besides eating, which is just an easy example, I think opening up to failure and mistakes and the learning process is the whole point of being alive (ha, if that’s not a big statement for a blog, I don’t know what is). Life lesson from Cheryl: If I was perfect from the get go and I had all the answers, what would be the point? I’m here to learn–and the best way to learn is from experience. Instead of giving up after a failure, I think it’s time we looked at is as fuel to help us “grow up” (whether we’re 20 or 50 or 80 years old) into better, smarter, more capable people.

I’m going to do my best to take my own advice here as I try to continue on this path–exploring new possibilities for my future career, trying to figure out what foods make me feel most nourished and alive, trying to find a healthy and fun balance with my training, trying to balance life and all the fun things I want to do with some of the less fun things I need to get done (laundry?), etc. etc. In every aspect! When I forgive myself for these little “slips” and see them as lessons instead of failures, I don’t have to worry about going to the opposite extreme (goodbye binges, hello self love). Amen to this realization!

Like I said yesterday, things just feel so right to me. If you’d told me I’d be here and feeling good a year ago I’d never have believed you because from an outside perspective (my friend’s perhaps) it would seem like I’m off track and confused. The truth is I’m more on track, in tune with what I want and who I want to be on the inside (and this is what’s important) than I’ve ever been in my entire life. And that makes me happy and I can say whole heartedly that I love my life with all its lessons.

…it would appear as though I’m not going to make it to the library before class. Failure? I don’t think so. Lesson? I think the one I just articulated (or tried to) was worth having to do an extra hour of work this weekend.  This is all kind of big stuff: deciding to be who you are, to love who you are, and to live your life to the fullest, don’t you think?

Where else could you apply this thinking about learning from your mistakes in your life?
Can you relate to any of this rambling?
Do you feel like you’re living the life of your dreams every day? How could you make that shift? 



Sometimes when I am out and about and daydreaming, I write blog posts on whatever I can get my hands on. Remember my Strong is the new skinny post? I wrote it on random paper on the plane to visit my dad and saved it for a few weeks before posting it. This is just proof that my blog is really my diary and that you should feel privileged to get so into my head. Ha – ha.

Just joking, but in all seriousness, I’ve been writing a bunch of these notes to myself/future blog posts/random musings lately and thinking that they’d make decent blog posts if I could clean them up a bit and if I had a reason for writing them.

It’s funny when that reason smacks you in the face.

Like this quote of the day, which I read before I even got out of bed today.

Not a bad way to start the day, huh?

Anyways, it relates back to one of those notes I wrote where I started thinking about how much I’ve changed in the last year, two years, four years, etc. and about how I’ve really come into my own power and am starting to feel increasingly confident about who I want to be and where I want to go. It is funny that my eating disorder was the wakeup call I needed to make me realize that I’ve been holding myself back.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: eating disorders make your world small. When you let ED bring you down, you can’t fly. It’s really hard to figure out what it is that’s missing, but when you do, things start to click. Until I realized that I was convinced I deserved to be miserable/didn’t deserve to be happy, I was stuck. Sure I was “in recovery” but I wasn’t there. If I didn’t deserve all the good in the world, do you think I thought I deserved recovery?

So after telling myself over and over again (I’ve got reminders posted around my apartment, I’ve got popups on my phone, I’ve got events scheduled on my google calendar): “You deserve all the good in the world,” I am starting to actually believe it. And I’m noticing where else I might be holding myself back:

  • school – going back vs. not going back
  • career – writing, fitness
  • relationships – friends, family, boys
  • training/eating/body
It’s taken a lot of looking in and being really brutally honest with myself to see how I’m bringing myself down and then the next step of it all has been to ask why. Am I scared of making really strong friendships because I think people are going to hurt me? Am I scared of being a really successful writer because I think “how dare you?” While I do think it’s important to do all this, I’ve started to just focus on where I want to go and who I want to be instead and to move towards that, which feels really goal. When I was stuck in my delusional eating disordered ways I would set these huge goals and give myself direction, albeit misguided. For a while, I wasn’t sure if setting goals was healthy for me or not, but now I’ve realized: that same drive and determination that I used to use to fuel my ED can fuel ME on the path to being great.

The other day I was looking for something in my old workout books and I came across a dog-eared page in Jackie Warner’s book where she wrote about goals and discovering what you really want and about visualization. She said, “Voice your goals and passions with as many people as possible. The more you talk about them, the more you imprint and program them into your subconscious mind. Talking the talk will lead to walking the walk.”

So that’s what I’m doing. But what am I saying and who do I want to be?

  • I want to be healthy, fit, and strong. I don’t want to be skinny, I don’t want a six pack at all costs, and I don’t want to be obsessive. But I do love fitness and I am allowed to like my body when it looks fit.
  • I want to eat real food and I want to eat food that makes me feel good without apologies or worrying about what people will say. Like I’ve mentioned before, eating disorder recovery means opening up to fear foods, eating them and seeing that your life goes on, etc. etc. But I’m talking here about finding what makes you feel the best–and that might mean leaving out some foods not because they’re “scary” or because you think they’re going to ruin you, but because they’re not working for you and your body. What I have noticed is this: I feel best on whole, real foods. Imagine that. I feel worse when I eat certain things because I feel like I should (i.e. have a bun with your dinner because if you don’t have starch you’re going back to your ED ways. Hello, still giving power to ED.) I’m in charge of my food choices and I will never forget all the recovery lessons I’ve learned–skipping a bun or choosing not to eat certain foods doesn’t mean ED is back, it means I’m ready to eat for me again!
  • I want to find a career that calls to me and go after it whole heartedly. Right now, I don’t entirely know what that looks like. One thing I do know is this — fitness and health and nutrition call to me. I might be on the right track with going back to school to be a dietitian, but I might be using this as a way to further delay things because I am scared. But fear isn’t a good reason for me to do/not do certain things and I’ll just admit it: for a long time, I thought I was too fat/inexperienced/young to start my career and thinking all of those thoughts also made me see myself as someone who could never really succeed in the fitness/health industry. But you know what? I’ve been thinking more and more about those presenters, leaders, movers/shakers in the fitness world and I think I could be a force. And I don’t think I need to change at all on the outside: I think it all has to do with continuing on this track to confident Cheryl and believing in myself and visualizing myself as that woman!
  • I want to do something unconventional with my life. I don’t know what it’s going to look like. Motivational speaker/adventure race coach/personal trainer/author/blogger/wellness coach/sports nutritionist/writer/athlete/? This is the fun part – I’m only going to be 23 with wide open possibilities once and rather than fear the unknown, I want to take it all as an adventure – that’s why we’re here!
  • I want to be me. I want to wear the weird clothes that I like, not the “cool” ones that everyone else wears. I want to be loud, random, spontaneous and awesome because that’s who I am.

This change, this movement in my life feels GOOD. Even though we resist change sometimes, it’s so important to be open to it. Whereas in the past I’ve been terrified of change, this time it’s different. I chalk it up to knowing I can take it on–that confidence thing again! I also think that a big difference here is that this is coming from my core and is about who I want to be, not how I want to look or present myself to the world. If there was a lot of resistance to these changes, I wouldn’t make them because I’m learning that I am in charge and know what I need and trusting that intuition. And I think that for me to make lasting change and a real shift, it’s got to be something I want with my whole heart and feel good about making. So often we think about change as something we have to force ourselves to do or as a struggle, but that ignores the fact that we are the ones in control.

That’s a news flash: it’s not ED, the media, your parents, your friends, or anyone else that you have to answer to when things are said and done. It’s you and what you think of yourself that matters. Trust yourself, listen to your intuition, and ask yourself who you want to be? Find changes that feel good and lean into those–don’t worry about the changes that make you feel bad (chances are they’re for someone else).

I don’t know a better way to end all of this than to share some of my favourite cheese on the topic of inspiration and of course, you might as well have a little background music to reflect to.

What do you guys think about what I said about change?
How do you see your ideal self?
Do you ever write blog posts on random papers/napkins/your phone for later?

Afternoon off

Oh hey there…

This morning’s lab went by quickly. I blame it on a fun attitude and the fact that we were making salad. I made macaroni salad, loaded with mayonnaise and mostly ingredients that I don’t like (red peppers, sweet pickles = yuck).


It came out pretty good though! The other pastas were interesting but I wasn’t into it. I mostly wanted to escape that lab so I left pretty quickly and made my way to the bookstore (Chapters = Starbucks = coffee but also = danger zone!), where I got sucked in. I walked out with Caitlin from Healthy Tipping Point‘s book. I figure if I’m going to be a blogger who writes a book, I better support her! I loved Tina’s Carrots n Cake book too so I’m thinking I’ll be in for a treat. I confirmed it when I read the intro–it’s gonna be good!

If only I had MORE time to read.

When I finished at the bookstore I popped into Loblaw’s to pick up a few things. I was kind of hungry even though I’d had an apple and some almonds mid morning to tide me over, which means my basket was fuller than I meant for it to be.


Impulse buy of the day = red swiss chard. Which took the place of the romaine I was planning on using for my lunch, which was inspired by reading some of Paleoista (Nell Stephenson is a legit triathlete and thrives on a paleo diet). I’m not going paleo, don’t worry, but I do see a lot of merit in what the diet is all about. I like how it’s not a “diet” per se, but an approach to eating. I like how it focuses on whole foods. I also think I’ve said before that if paleo folks and vegans and locavores could all get together there would be some great ideas — eating real food and eating foods that make you feel your best without devastating the environment would be at the top of that list. 🙂

Anyways, I made a quick lunch that was pretty awesome, in my mind!

Wrap it up steak and swiss chard rollups 


swiss chard leaves, washed
leftover steak
spicy brown mustard, to taste
salt and pepper, to taste

Lay swiss chard leaves flat. Assemble remaining ingredients on top. Roll and enjoy.

Simple. Yummy. Different! Variety is the spice of life and I’m feeling creative in the kitchen. I think it comes from not being scared to try new things — I’m sick of eating the same old same old and I’m sick of eating things because someone says I “should”…it’s time to eat what I want and to move towards the intuitive eating I KNOW is best for me!

Anyways, this afternoon is slipping away but is going to be filled with an interview for my freelance project (thank goodness someone called me back so I at least have one source!) and finishing my presentation on food biotechnology for tomorrow’s lecture! I am pretty much done, I just have to practice and see how long it is/what I need to add or take out! 🙂 The good thing is I get to talk for 20 minutes and people have to listen (or pretend to) to me. I’ve got a bike ride at 5 to keep me on task (I hope–though that new book is oh so tempting), so it’s time to get down to business!

Have an awesome afternoon!

What’s the last book you bought?
Have you read Caitlin or Tina’s books?
Have you ever tried swiss chard? 

Happy instead

Well I’m kind of angry, but not really because happy is way cuter than frustrated. But I did put together a playlist post and save it as a draft for today and now it is gone. BOO! But ya know, it’s probably KARMA for not sharing it immediately!

Anyways, last night went fast and I did very little work. I did manage to cook up some steak and veggies for dinner. 🙂


And to teach the oh so sweaty spin class that the playlist is for (scroll down, if I can do it once, I can do it twice!).  And to recover with a chocolate peanut butter smoothie (note: all smoothies should require a healthy dose of peanut butter to be legit).


I felt wired last night so I played my guitar (it’s been coming out a lot more lately, but I am really rusty) and read before I finally fell asleep. I don’t feel too tired today though, so I guess I’m good to go. I had a big bowl of berries, grapes, yogurt, and all bran to start things off.


Today it’s back to the grind at school (although if our teacher is still away and we have a substitute we are just having a half day — fingers kind of crossed!) and I’ve got to finish up a presentation for tomorrow before I go on my bike ride tonight. If I’m up for it, I might try to get to yoga tonight, but that all depends…last time I went after a Tuesday ride I felt even more like just chilling on the mat than usual. 🙂

Anyways, here’s what you’re looking for–the playlist!


Avicii – Fade Into Darkness (Extended Mix)

Pitbull ft Havana Brown – We run the night

Climb – seated with lifting/adding tension on chorus

Demi Lovato – Give Your Heart a Break

Climb – seated and standing maxing up resistance (7/10 up to 10/10 x 3)

Foster The People – I Would Do Anything For You (Strange Talk Remix)

Climb – standing with passes

Jennifer Lopez – Dance Again (Audio) ft. Pitbull

Climb – steady (add lifts, seated standing, etc.)

Kaskade ft. Dragonette – Fire In Your New Shoes (Sultan & Ned Shepard Electric Daisy Remix)

Flat – recovery/single leg drills

Pitbull – Back In Time

Flat – ride with music 

Samb-Adagio – Safri duo

Flat – pyramid sprints (30/60/90/60/30 with 30 rest)

Adele – Rolling in the deep (dBerrie Remix)

Flat – endurance ride

Avicii ft. Flo Rida – Levels [Good Feelin]


Flat – build up/sprints/surges

Adagio Remix



Mat Kearney – Dancing In The Dark


Bon Iver – Skinny Love


What songs are on your last workout playlist?

Can’t hardly wait

Yahhooo for finishing my exam first. I think it’s because I don’t believe in answers coming spontaneously and I don’t like to sit in a classroom feeling clueless, so I’m usually the first student to vacate the premises during an exam. Today was no different. I won’t lie, there were questions I guessed on. Whatever. I could have studied more and gotten some of them, but I think mostly they were things I wouldn’t have noted anyhow. What matters is this: I’m smiling!

This afternoon I ran to the mall to buy some essentials (i.e. deodorant–not something you want to run out of when it’s 30 degrees C out!). I treated myself to an iced decaf americano and came home with the intentions of getting right to work on my freelancing assignment but I got sidetracked by a snack and by the mail!

We all know I love countdowns and I’ve added another one to my list. But it’s good because it means that I’ll be crossing something off my bucket list (going to a conference), which I forgot to mention earlier is getting shorter since I was ballsy at yoga today and did it in my sports bra (FYI you still sweat buckets).

A few weeks ago I registered for the Canfitpro conference in August. And today the magazine with the sessions came, which means I got down to business choosing my sessions. 80 days til I get to go!

And I’m so excited because some highlights (though you have to wait to get confirmation about which of your choices you get) include:

  • a session with Tosca Reno, who I met a few years ago at the Trade Show
  • a session with Tommy Europe
  • a keynote speech from Simon Whitfield
  • tons of spinning
  • lots of bootcamp ideas
  • plenty of business focused lectures (because you can’t actually work out from dawn til dusk 3 days in a row and expect to be smiling/walking)

Just to put it into perspective, this conference will be a week after (not even) I get home from my cycle tour out west and will lead me right up to the Tough Mudder, which I really want to do but signed up for knowing that I might not actually do it. Decisions, decisions.

Anyways, there are some cool sessions that got me to thinking. One is by a lady about how to use your blog as a fitness professional. I googled her (Amanda Vogel) and saw she’s doing something kind of cool with her life. Another one that caught my eye was a presentation about the China Study vs. the Paleo Diet by a lady who is holistic nutritionist and has her Precision Nutrition cert, which is run by John Berardi, who is also presenting and who went to Western. I even interviewed him for a piece in the Gazette earlier this year. The fitness world is big but it’s pretty small. And I’m part of it! Pretty cool, eh? And part of me wants to be a bigger part of it. I often think of myself as someone who is just getting started or someone who isn’t good enough/legit enough, but you know what? You have to start somewhere. And I’ve been a fitness instructor for four years and people tell me I’m good at it. Why not believe them and dive right in? Going to this conference is hopefully going to only motivate me more and open up my eyes to even more possibility.

So. Much. Thinking…but NOW it’s time for me to get down to work on that article and to make a new playlist for spin tonight. Get excited!

How do you feel about unconventional careers?
What are you counting down to this summer?


Live a little

Confirmed: Biking > studying.


My ride yesterday was:

  • dry
  • social
  • fun
  • perfect
My evening involved a little bit of studying, a green monster for dinner, and catching up with/letting a really positive friend rub off on me over Facebook.

banana, spinach, ice cubes, almond milk, cocoa, and chocolate chips!


plus a peanut butter spoon

I crashed early last night which meant I was up pretty early this morning. I had a big bowl of banana oats with egg whites, topped with some cereal and soy milk and cinnamon, and then I actually did a bit of reading!


In theory, I had 7 solid hours which I could have poured into studying.

But I got distracted and did some journalling, blogging (stay tuned), and some yoga. I went to a Moksha Flow class taught by one of my fav instructors at the studio and feel so good so good so good right now! Yoga in the morning is perhaps a whole different level of awesome, maybe because for so long I thought of yoga as only “allowed” after some other workout was already done for the day. Silly!

I did the same thing with the plain rice cakes as yesterday as a snack before (safe bet for my iffy tummy).


But after I was still craving a crunch. I am not on a rice cake diet, but this lunch was calling my name so I went with it. I assume I’ll get sick of eating puffed rice soon enough, but for now, intuitive eating says go with it. And adding tuna to the tomato basil kind was a delicious idea. Throw in some alfalfa sprouts and you’ve got lunch!


Now I’m just about needing to pack up and go write my test. I am telling myself it’s only worth 12.5% and that I know most of the stuff (I think!). I am anxious to have it over with so I can focus more on the assignments and projects I have but at the same time I’m not going to go from one stressor to the next. That’s no way to live! Life doesn’t start when our exams or papers are all done or when all the stress is gone. If it does, we’re never living. Life is now and the bike ride, yoga, and chit chat with my friend last night are all ways that I’m living that word! 🙂 I’m sick of putting off living. Carpe diem!

Wish me luck!

To all you lucky folks who are in the states, enjoy your monday off! It’s gorgeous out here–I feel like a beach day would be in order if I didn’t have to write this test/teach spin later!

How are you starting your week?
Do you ever use assignments/school in general as an excuse to put off living?  


Splish splash and some smiles

Oh hey there. Remember how I decided to have a beer last night after calming myself down?

Well I had two.



…and they were big. And I felt them.

Oh well! I had fun and when I got home some crackers helped soak em up.


After a good night’s sleep, I did a bit of work this morning (it’s a miracle) after breakfast.


oats, egg whites, apple, cereal for crunch, brown sugar, and some soy milk

I’m mostly working on my assignments and still haven’t studied. But that’s okay. Each thing is worth not very much at all I realized, which just made me feel even less worried!

Since there were thunderstorms this morning, my riding plans got cancelled. I decided to go to the pool instead. I looked on my daily mile and saw that it’s been a month since the last time I went–oops! In my defence, it was closed for two weeks of that month and I needed a break after all that swimming with my injury.

I had a snack to tide me over, but FYI rice cakes are mostly air so when you have two and feel hungrier, feel free to have three more as you head out the door. Note to self: throw down some almond butter with them next time!


My swim was pretty good! I really prefer having friends to swim with but lots of people are racing/away/busy this weekend so I was on my own!

I’m not going to lie, I started to think about lunch partway through the swim so when I got home I threw together a quick salad with spinach, more turkey sausage, some goat cheese and sun dried tomatoes. It was delicious but I got a bit of a tummy ache after. Weird!


Now that I’m starting to feel better, the roads are looking dry and some of my friends are riding so I’m obviously choosing biking over books again and am gonna get my spandex on ASAP. Obviously in my world:


And it kind of looks like I’m going to be “winging it” tomorrow, doesn’t it?

Do you like rainy days? What do you do with yourself if you can’t get outside?
What’s your favourite post-beer, bedtime snack? Do you crave salt or sweet or carbs or fat or what?  

Worry is a waste

Even though I’ve gotten much better at applying the live now, worry later approach lately, this weekend I’ve been struggling to remind myself over and over again to just chill.

What am I worrying about today?

  • that I ate too much last night when I got home and threw together a bowl of yogurt with chocolate chips and cookies (okay a bowl of chocolate chips and cookies with yogurt)


  • that I am going to get rehurt (I ran two days back to back)
  • that I eat too much junk and shouldn’t drink beers with my friends because I’m too big
  • that I’m going to fail my test on Monday
  • that I’m going to bomb my presentation on Wednesday
  • that I’m not going to be able to work the program we have to use for our project due on Friday
  • that I’m not going to be able to get sources for my latest freelancing article
But guess what?
  • I didn’t eat “too much”. I might have emotionally eaten, but I didn’t binge. And that’s a win. Full and miserable are two different things. Solution: next time go for fro yo with friends, it will be more fun!
  • I could get hurt doing anything, not just running. I could be doing everything perfectly and fall off my bike, get into a random accident, or trip over something in my apartment. Not running back to back days for months might have been necessary but the intense “should I? shouldn’t I?” drama I felt today is totally uncalled for. And when I went for the run, which took me to the playground where I did a workout with the monkey bars to help me, it was friggin perfection. I probably ran about 40 minutes/4 miles-ish (some on trails, some on road) around the workout in the sun!
  •  I don’t eat too much junk. Exhibit A (lots of not junk):





…and I am not too big. And even if I was big, I would still deserve beers with my friends.

  • I am not going to bomb this week’s school stuff. And if I do, maybe it’s a signal that it’s not meant to be? I haven’t gotten many bad marks, I don’t need to study my life away, and I am on top of things. That’s what I need to remind myself. Also that sleep is optional and caffeine is a wonder drug, in a deadline pinch.
  • Stories come together. I can call 1209102910291 numbers until I find sources to help me with my freelance article. I’m not incompetent and I’ve written much harder stories in the past. And the deadline is over 10 days away!

And so there. Worry IS a waste. The way to deal with it is to be proactive and to start working on things you can. So I worked on my presentation today. I also was productive and finally put my laundry AWAY! And I went to yoga this evening. Can you say win?

And now since it’s Saturday and I’m young and wild and free, I’m going to go sit on a patio and have a beer.

Enjoy the evening!

How do you deal with your worries?
What are you doing this weekend?

Sort of like studying

Since one of the topics on my test on Monday is salad dressings, I guess making a new recipe with a homemade salad dressing kind of falls under studying. Right?

I threw together a recipe for Autumn Greens Salad with Sunflower Seeds (oops, it’s not autumn) from my Power Foods cookbook, but you can check out the recipe on the Whole Living website! It’s the first time I’ve tried: raw brussel sprouts, raw kale, or making my own salad dressing. A whole lot of firsts here!


The salad itself would be a better side dish but I took it to the next level and made the recipe my own.

Shredded Kale and Sprout Salad with a Sweet Twist



brussel sprouts, thinly sliced
kale, shredded into small pieces
apple, diced
sunflower seeds
dried cranberries
turkey sausage (optional–but delicious)



1 tablespoon whole grain mustard
1/4 cup lemon juice
3 tbsp maple syrup
3 tbsp olive oil
salt (to taste)


Warning: this is pretty tasty!

I just enjoyed mine at Starbucks, along with this free frappucino sample.


Like I said, it’s sorta like studying right?

I was productive today. As always when I “should” be studying I get things done that I’ve been meaning to, including my buttload of laundry! I also met up with Sarah for an afternoon run and managed to get ink for my computer. All the while I’ve been filling up that hollow leg of mine with yummy eats.




And trying not to get too distracted but I’m not going to lie: focusing in summer school is hard! And I’m always in this “Am I doing the right thing if I am this unmotivated to study?” space when I feel like I have to force myself to study. So I’m just going to be open and say that I have my doubts. Some people might think — well, geeze, when there are hardly any internships and you aren’t even sure, someone could read that — but I think, if I get to that applying point and want one, it will mean that I’ve had my doubts but worked through them and decided that it is the right thing for me! But my mind’s racing a bit now, and there are tons of possibilities, and you better believe I’ll be blogging my face off about all of this soul searching. 🙂

At this point:

  • I want to help people live better lives–whether it’s via a role as an RD (sports specific? ED specific?) or as something else, that I do not know and do not NEED to know right now.
  • For a while I was scared to admit that I think my calling is helping other people find their way through their own struggles with ED, etc. — to this day actually. But here I go, saying that this is what I think my calling is: helping other people find their happy. The more I find mine, the more confident I feel that this is what I want to and need to do, and the less I feel pressure or anxiety over “how I’m going to do it.”
  • I said today that I kind of wish I could just have a job where I could retweet motivational quotes and write/read blogs all day, sort of as a joke. But seriously, if there’s a way that I could do this and feel like I’m contributing something meaningful and doing what I need to do — and if I don’t know what it looks like (teaching fitness? freelancing? volunteering? working somewhere random?), that’s okay. What’s not okay is assuming that it’s impossible.
  • I want to change the world. I want girls to stop freaking out over their bodies and start freaking out over their lives. Is that so much to ask?

What do you like to do instead of studying?
What do you think of the salad?