Like I said, fair warning and a reminder that I blog without a filter.
If you think I should be somewhere between Ontario and Ohio right now, you’re right. And I swear I will pack and get my shit together as soon as I get my real shit together…
I have a theory that honesty is the best policy. I’m seriously inspired by Andrea Owen’s latest post--she’s a seriously amazing woman with an awesome blog that inspires me all the time. She’s a life coach…and she was an alcoholic. But she opened up about it. Vulnerability is beautiful.
So here goes…
This week, I’ve been feeling under the weather. Besides clearly catching some kind of bug, I also have to attribute some of this yuck to…myself.
Yuck is right.
I’ve blogged about self sabotage before. I thought I’d left it in my past…
When you realize that your life and your happiness is your responsibility, you’d think your actions would automatically be in your own best interest. As someone who has struggled with feeling like they don’t deserve good things—health, happiness, etc.—I have to admit, I sometimes need a slap in the face and a reminder that at our core, we’re good.
Sometimes like right now.
What the heck am I getting at? This week I overate. Fine. I admitted it along the way. I own it. I was a bit anxious about my certification this weekend—there’s such a thing as stressing over good things (I’m a seasoned pro). But I also let myself down in some other ways I’d rather keep hush hush but refuse to ignore: not making my bed, letting my garbage overflow, not taking care of myself (This is gross–I didn’t brush my teeth last night. I didn’t bother painting my chipped nails for a few days. I like hygiene, I promise). That’s kind of the epitome of not caring about yourself, and that’s something I can’t stand for.
Side note…Why do I share my lows? Because realness is what the world needs. Admitting that I still have struggles acknowledges them. I don’t hide these things from myself anymore and hiding it period just suggests that there’s something to be ashamed of or that something’s wrong. News flash: There’s nothing wrong with having problems. I get hella frustrated with people who keep blogs and clearly lie about how they’re doing. In person, people who put up a front piss me off. Again, there’s nothing wrong with having problems. There is something wrong with pretending—with yourself or with others—that you don’t.
Obviously writing this post means I’ve come to terms with the fact that I was shitty to myself this week. The things I did and thought and told myself I would never ever in a million years have said to a friend. They go against what I stand for and what I know I deserve—all the good in the world. They piss me off more than ever before because I’ve had a taste of what it feels like to let myself be happy…and that’s why I don’t think it’s going to be that hard for me to get back to embracing the good things.
Starting, like, right now.
Certain irrational thoughts I’m dealing with: you’re too fat to be a crossfit trainer. That guy asked you if you’ve done crossfit before because you clearly look like someone who could never have done it. You probably should have went to Columbia when you by some stroke of a miracle got in. You’re totally selling yourself short right now–why don’t you go to grad school? That post on your friend’s facebook wall was clearly directed at you—you’re not recovered, you’re just fat. You better sign up for a race ASAP you lazy pile–last year you were running a half marathon at this time. You thought you were fat in that photo? Check out the mirror. You’re clearly failing hard at this 30 day challenge–chocolate every day? You’re letting everyone down. Your friends aren’t calling you ‘cuz you’re no fun to be with.
Common themes? Fat. Unworthy. etc. etc.
Whose voice is that? ED’s.
What do I do when I see ED?
A) Kick his ass. – Done. I’m recovered. If I find myself bingeing or thinking about food or having fat thoughts, it’s no longer a relapse. It’s a signal that something is off and needs my attention…
B) Ask what he’s trying to tell me. – That I need to pump my own tires a bit. I’m fit and I’m healthier than ever.I’m making decisions based on what makes me better for the first time in my life. I’m loveable, beautiful, and my true nature is just perfect. The only thing standing in my way of achieving what I want to is me. There’s no one to blame and no one is coming to save me. Any mistakes I’ve made in the past few days have been minor–and the sooner I get over them and stop blaming myself for them, the better. Even if I’m off track, if I learned something, it’s worth it. Etc. etc.
Another thought on ED and eating disorders and why I’m so glad I’m done with mine…Eating disorders are a way of keeping your world small. A way of holding yourself back from the awesome that you’re entitled to. If everything else in your life is perfect, a binge is a perfect distraction from all of that great. Eventually, the eating disorder takes over. You start missing out on the good things you felt guilty for having. There’s a metaphor here, and it’s a big one.
The only way to get out of this kind of thinking is to go ahead and give yourself permission to have all those good things. For me, that looks like going away this weekend and having a fun time with my mom (instead of blaming her for whatever ill I can come up with like I always used to – screaming, crying, etc.). It looks like believing that even if I was 20lbs heavier than I’m “supposed to be”, I’d still deserve to go to this certification and learn and come out a kickass trainer. It looks like trusting that even if the years of abusing my body have left me out of whack, I deserve the healthy things I’m doing now. It looks like assuring myself that I’m better than ever.
There are so many quotes that came to my mind as I cried my face off this morning…
The answer to bingeing isn’t restricting. The answer to feeling fat isn’t coming up with a weight loss plan. The answer to treating yourself like crap isn’t beating yourself up. The answer is changing the way you look at yourself and at the world. It might be nice if all of us who use food as a coping mechanism could just go on a paleo diet, if everyone who compulsively exercised could join a crossfit gym, and so on. But that doesn’t deal with the issue…
I have a really timely article that came up on my facebook feed today to share. It’s Geneen Roth, talking about all of this. Summary:
“What you do with food, you undoubtedly do in the rest of your life. If you don’t take time for yourself, if you don’t value yourself, if you’re not kind to yourself, if you berate, deprive and punish yourself, if you believe you have to achieve in order to be loved, that will be reflected in your relationship with food.”
Own up. Address the real issues. And remember: we all deserve all the good in the world.
I feel better.
Have you dealt with self-sabotage?
Did any quotes come to mind?
How do you open up about your problems?