Dog poop for dinner


Alternate title “Will run for nuts.” — I wonder which one would have gotten more attention?


I didn’t actually have dog poop for dinner, but I did make a bowl that looked a heck of lot like shat.


banana, cocoa, honey, salt, coconut, almonds, chocolate…um yummmmmm

I blame PaleOMG and my friend’s reply to my facebook post earlier today.


Enablers–gotta love ’em! Unfortunately my avocado was not ripe so I just improvised…resourceful, no? I’m just going to admit it–I probably should have had meat and veggies for dinner, especially since I’d already had a nanner this afternoon, but I hate the word should…and what’s done is done! Note to self: don’t eat pudding for dinner on a regular basis if you intend to be a healthy living blogger ;)! Second note to self: do whatever you want.


Besides laundry (which of course is still ongoing–I swear I draw it out because I love it so darn much ;)!), this afternoon I took care of some facebook creeping emails and chores before I met Angela for a reunion/trail run on the trails I hiked with my pals yesterday. At running speed, the ups and downs were a bit more challenging but we took a pretty leisurely pace (thank god Angela’s on her 2 off weeks and is just moving her body for fun right now!) and I was loving being outside in the fall sunshine. We ran for about 50 minutes and I’m estimating that it was about 8km but that might be overshooting it…at any rate, it was challenging, especially after this morning’s squats! 🙂


After the run, I went to the first meeting for Triathlon Club. Since I’ll be running a cycle session for them every Friday morning, I had to introduce myself. I think showing up smelling extra stinky and without thinking about what to say gave them an accurate impression of who I am…and I can’t remember how I introduced myself but I know I promised them a weekly dose of Britney in their playlist.

After the meeting, I had a good chit chat with a friend I haven’t seen much of yet this year before I finally made it home to the shower and my pudding ;). …now here I am in a chocolatey induced state of relaxation, with some mood lighting thanks to a candle, and with an episode of the Balanced Bites podcast playing in the background. My goals for the night: type my goals, read a section of my crossfit manual, and sleep. Lofty, I know!



Do you ever eat dessert for dinner?
Have you ever made an avocado pudding?

No apologies




“Accept everything about yourself–I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end–no apologies, no regrets.” 


-Henry A Kissinger

Another day down…where did this week go?

I started my morning with breakfast and shopping. I bought more shoes — this time two pairs of boots. I know it’s only August but when I can find boots for $30 a pair, I’m in. Gosh I need a bigger closet!


egg scramble with mixed veggies and potatoes


I bought this. And a quilt. Bring on the new bedroom…must. start. apartment. hunting!


We also made a pit stop at Starbucks and got the car washed…a girl needs her caffeine!







this is fun


We were home by a late lunch time. I had a life coaching appointment–it was bomb and inspiring and you know there’s a post coming about it–and then went to the park for a workout.


My mom met up with me there and brought my gramma’s dog, Duke. He was great company during my Tabata fun.



We played on the monkey bars once I finished and even went on the swings. It’s been so long since I just hung out with my mom — very fun and very funny when she wanted off the rotating thing (I bet it has a name but I have no idea what) but I wouldn’t stop it. FYI, making your mom throw up is mean–but pretty entertaining! Also entertaining was when a girl walked by with a sheep. There’s a photo on my mom’s camera but it’ll have to wait…but it was just a casual afternoon walk with her sheep, apparently. She wasn’t phased by us but we thought it was just the funniest shit…bahhhhhhhh!



After the fun in the park, we were hungry so it was dinner time! I made pork chops, zucchini, and asparagus. With some salad and then a bit of tomato sauce, I had a weird but tasty mix (the fam also had spaghetti!).


Dessert today was more Reese’s. And after a lot of thinking about such a small thing, I’ve settled on this: I like chocolate. My mom likes it, my grandma likes it, etc. We were talking about health bars and the stuff that people eat when they’re trying to get healthy (shakes, meal replacement bars, etc.) and it came to this: me saying that those things aren’t really all that healthy–REAL FOOD would be better. So it’s alright to eat chocolate, froyo, beer, etc. and to own it. And not to be stupid about the fact that these things aren’t actually fuelling me — they’re just tasty. I do a pretty good job of eating plenty of real food and I’m definitely working on doing better daily so rather than beat myself up, I’m just going to give myself some props for getting real about this all.

Hence the quote of the day I started with today. Rather than try to make excuses, why not just own it? It is what it is–whatever it is. 🙂

20120823-205601.jpgIt’s hard to believe how quick this week (especially today!) has gone by. We’re packing up early tomorrow so I’ll be back in the great white north (ha ha ha) soon. Maybe it will be boot weather… 😉

What are you sick of apologizing for? What would happen if you just owned it?


Chocolate, authenticity, and living out loud

So, I just dug into some Reese’s cups. It’s 10 o clock, I already had some dark chocolate after my Pork Palace party earlier, and I can honestly say I’m not hungry.

So what’s up?

There’s a post in me and it’s one that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

I think a value that I missed when I made my original list is AUTHENTICITY. Whether it’s in terms of relationships, my message to the world, or whatever, I am all for being real. I interpret the “no filter” as some of my friends put it as part of this and I really think things are easier when we are as real as possible.

I don’t think I’ve been all that real with myself and I’ve been holding back.

My whole point with this blog is this: Happy and healthy go together.

My whole point with this post is this: I don’t feel all that healthy.

I feel like a hypocrite. It’s hard not to be frustrated with yourself when you aren’t living up to what you want to or what you know is right for you.

So here goes.

In short, if a client came to me as their trainer or instructor and asked me if I thought their exercise regime was balanced and they showed me what I’ve been doing, I’d have to be honest: straight up no way. I’m not going to launch into a big definition of fitness here, but it’s not about just being able to run marathons or looking jacked (though those are fine and dandy and come with the territory–maybe). I like linking to other people who have summarized already the things I’m trying to get across so for this one, check out Ben’s post on what fitness is (he refers to Crossfit’s definition)–or just know that it’s holistic and encompasses:

1. Cardiovascular/Cardio Respiratory Endurance

2. Stamina

3. Strength

4. Flexibility

5. Power

6. Speed

7. Coordination

8. Accuracy

9. Agility

10. Balance

…how many of those do I REALLY work on? Yoga helps with balance and flexibility. My spinning, cycling, running, and swimming help with stamina and endurance. But…I am not agile because I don’t ever think about it. I don’t really work on mobility, even though I know I should. Unless someone’s chasing me, there’s not much speed in my life. Accuracy and agility and coordination and all those sports-like aspects only come into play if I’m trying to kick your butt on the tennis court–and that doesn’t happen near enough.

Ditto for diet. I’m not sure what the “perfect diet” is — but I believe this: food should be real. Recognizeable ingredients. Something you can picture in nature. You should eat it sitting down, relaxed, and before you’re hangry. Life should include some foods just for the hell of it, but most of the things you put in your body on a daily basis should help you move towards a healthier state.

On top of this, I’m not really valuing sleep.

I don’t think what I’ve just said is revolutionary. Lots of bloggers decide to use their blogs as a way to stay accountable–Tina’s awesome blog started out as a way for her to keep herself on track. I’m thinking of this in the same way. After the presentation on blogging that I went to at the Canfitpro conference, I realized there are as many blogs out there as there are people who could possibly want to read them. And I also realized something: I’m not using this blog to win people, customers, friends, admirers, or readers. I could write all of the things I do here in my diary, but I like to share them because I know that there are other people who can relate. If who those people are changes over time, I have to be okay with that.

I think we often judge ourselves more than we should. I hear voices saying “Cheryl, why are you trying to eat less grains? Isn’t that ED coming back into your head?” When I know for a fact that ED is no longer controlling me and when I know that if I gave up bread for a week and then craved toast, I could and would eat it if I wanted to. I know that I’m the one in charge.

…so what’s the hold up?

Change is scary.

I want to change my exercise approach — and I am but it’s a bit slow. I deserve to not only be healthy in those couple of aspects but in all of them. I want to eat more real food and worry less about the other junk that seems to be filling me up a little more than I’d like. I want to eat by design — at least to see if it makes me healthier, which is the goal now. I want to focus on the great things that I’m doing instead of worrying about the little things — I’m doing a much better job of putting things into perspective and on sticking to the mantra “if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no” but I still catch myself catastrophizing and being a yes woman on occasion.

…since I’ve redefined healthy and happy to be harmonious and one and the same and all that jazz, I know that I can and will do this. There’s no failing when your goal is being your best — if that makes any sense.

Again, change is scary. But scarier still is sabotaging myself. Sure, eating some chocolate isn’t the end of the world. But when it makes me feel like a hypocrite and then drags me down? That sucks. No, if I stay the way I am, I won’t be a bad person. But this nagging feeling that I’m not trying my hardest or giving myself permission to be as awesome as I’m meant to be is bringing me down and I’m sick of it. It’s not really about making the changes on the surface–it’s about the changes inside and the shifts that are necessary for anything to really change:

  • Instead of thinking change is scary — Isn’t it cool how we can always try something new?
  • Instead of worrying that I’m going to fail — Isn’t it awesome that we can learn by doing and take mistakes as lessons?
  • Instead of thinking that I’m going to be judged — Isn’t it great that I can be a leader for a whole new group of people?
  • Instead of thinking of this change as risky — Isn’t it awesome that I have the freedom to do whatever I want?
  • Instead of being ashamed that I’ve been holding myself back — Isn’t it empowering to live out loud and to share this whole journey?

Gosh, I hope this is making sense in some way. I promise that more practical stuff will come out of me some time soon. The 30 day challenge I mentioned before should be a kick in the butt to get organized and regular with that accountability stuff — and it’s coming up quick. Things are going to settle down soon enough after a whirlwind summer (I think I’m craving some routine and stability even though I’ve loved living free for the last little bit). Life is good.



Off again

To Grandmother’s house I go…but not before a quick post…

Update on the post-Tough Mudder recovery–slow and steady?

After my post last night, I went to Yoga Shack for a sweaty hour of awesome stretching. We did all kinds of hip openers and even the splits — hello hamstrings — so it was pretty much perfection for my body! I got pretty emotional at the end of the class (it happens!) because I realized that it was my last class with Kat before she leaves for her next step in Sudbury. And that makes me sad ‘cuz she definitely helped me get over taking myself and yoga too seriously. Funny enough, I’ve done things in her class that I never could do when I was too busy TRYING to have fun and to explore stuff and risk falling over. That’s a pretty big lesson/reminder: it’s supposed to be fun, too! 🙂 She also introduced me to Trevor Hall, so you know I owe her more props than I can describe…

Anyways, enough rambling.

Last night I had a bedtime snack and then went to bed (exciting?).


greek yogurt, honey, flaxseed

I also had some more chocolate. And when I laid down I decided on something: I’m going to bring back my food journal, cuz I think I’m off again in more ways than one. I know that since I’ve been embracing a more paleo-like kind of eating I’ve started eating different things. I know that I’ve also not totally embraced it. I know that when I’m nervous I still eat chocolate and dried fruit or whatever candy I can get my hands on and almond butter by the spoonful. I also know that this is FINE but that it’s not necessarily THE BEST. And that awareness comes first. Don’t worry, I’m not beating myself up, I’m just curious and I feel like I’m at a good point to hold myself a little bit more accountable. I don’t think getting a significant amount of my calories from chocolate and almond butter and coffee cream is all that healthy…and I think that’s what is going on. I don’t want to be at a healthy weight, I want to be HEALTHY — and there’s a difference there.


cute, simple, small food journal

breakfast = yogurt, almond butter, raisins, banana, flax seeds

I snapped a photo of my legs last night. Bruises keep popping up but it’s okay. It’s chilly and feels like fall (and I love it!) so I busted out some winter-y socks just cuz I can.




Bruises and scraped, consider yourself covered. Gosh I love socks–I think I have a problem. But of all things to have a problem buying, I guess socks are a small thing to worry about…

I’m hoping that we get a little bit of shopping in this week at my grandma’s too. There’s bound to be some good back to school stuff and even if I’m not going back to school I’d argue that it IS the season, after all!

I read a funny post over at The Great Fitness Experiment today about health regrets. I can totally relate (the cardio, the health food, etc.) but I also think that all those “regrets” taught me things–and that since I’m always trying to get better (if you’re not TRYING to get better, what are you trying to do?), I really can’t look back and wish I’d done anything differently. Still, I love Charlotte’s posts and I laughed when I read the post! 🙂

Have a terrific Tuesday!

What do you find yourself eating a lot of lately?
Do you have health (or other) regrets?
What’s a random thing you love to buy? 
socks for me!


Good and bad and everything in between

Hi! I’m back to London (and a computer) and I’ve been dying to make a real post, but there’s a lot on my mind so it could get messy.

I think a quote is in order to start this off and to let you know what page I’m on:

“I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

– Marilyn Monroe

Tough Mudder was in a word: tough. I don’t even think I can do a full race recap right now because I’ve blocked it out of my memory…but I’ll try ;)!

We got up bright and early and hit the road after some breakfast–our drive was supposed to be about an hour and a half and it was a nice morning with a pretty sunrise.



Nina, Andrew and I carpooled and met up with Sonya and Sarah and their spectator friends to go to the race site (on a school bus — fun right?).


Once we got there it was all about getting pumped up (aka waiting around for our 9:50 start time).



To start, you actually had to hop over a mini wall. Funny. I used a boost.

After they totally pumped us up (lots of cheering, some anthem-singing, high fives, etc.), we were on our merry 16km way. Up and down and up and down and up and down and then up and down hills. Our 6th member, Steve, found us right away — and we were off! Ski hills, not bunny hills. So when I say that we “ran” the course, you can infer that it was a mix of running, walking, trudging, and crawling. Plus swimming, technically…

There were 20 obstacles (I think) and the ones that stick out as the most fun were the arctic enema, funky monkey (monkey bars over water which I totally made it across with a smile!) and the mud mile. There was also essentially a giant slip and slide down mud on a hill which was just plain old fun, but I’m not sure what that one was called!

For those 3 fun obstacles, there was also plenty of hills to climb and some really shitty obstacles. Like being zapped. Over and over again in two different obstacles — electric eel and electroshock therapy. Yeah, I survived, but I won’t lie to you — I cried. And I got cranky. And I had to apologize to my team for it and move on and thank god the hardest of the shocks came at the end. I literally crawled to the finish but whatever. Done and done.

We were lucky enough to have spectators who snapped some photos of us in action, but we look pretty dirty (and you can see my cranky face ;)!).

after you…into the ice!

In the ice bath, Sarah popped her shoulder out. Then she put it back in and went on with the race. Definition of epic.

The venue was gorgeous!

Those wires look little…but don’t be fooled. OW

Beer helped bring back the smiles.


I probably wouldn’t do another tough mudder real soon. I’m not just shook up by the electroshock, it was also expensive (over 150$) and one of those things I think you can check off your bucket list 😉 and be done with! I am glad I did it — but I heard a story about a guy who did it 3x this weekend in Toronto and I think he is psycho. That is all. We did have fun hanging out after the race with our matching shirts and sunburns!



After we kind of relived (whined about) the race for a while, we packed up and hit the road. The traffic back to Mississauga sucked, to put it nicely.

We pulled over for snacks (it was almost 3 and breakfast and the bananas, LARA bar, and apples I’d eaten weren’t cutting it). I had chili at Tim Horton’s and was much less hangry driving the rest of the route to drop Nina off. 20120820-171813.jpg

Even though we were late getting back to London, we met up for sushi. It was my first time! And it was delicious, but I’m not a big rice girl so I mostly ate meat and tempura. It is what it is.






Afterwards, some of us went out for drinks. I don’t know how I was still awake–but I guess the coffee (which may or may not have had Bailey’s in it) did the trick. Today I had nothing important to get up for so I was in bed til lunchtime. So lunch was breakfast! I hung out with Angela and got my car checked out (it was making a hella funny sound but it’s okay and all fixed up), rebuilt my bike, and half-unpacked/repacked for Pennsylvania).


lunch: sausage over kale, apples, and some maple dressing with dried cranberries


snack at Starbucks


Now I just finished a quick dinner and am going to head to yoga. My body is NOT in the state to feel good teaching spin–my hip was a mess after the hills and the car ride yesterday and I feel like a train hit me (or like I got tough muddered…). I did get to the chiropractor today which left me feeling energized (though it might have been the positivity and the fact that I got to whine for a few minutes about how tough the race was ;)!) and like I can move my neck again! 🙂


pork over swiss chard with raspberry vinaigrette


Dessert: digging into my awesome chocolate find from the conference and trying out some cranberry tea!

Things I’m sick of include living out of a suitcase and eating tons of dried fruit and nuts. I am craving a little bit of routine but I know going to my grandma’s for a few days is going to be fun and relaxing. I’m looking forward to getting away–if that makes any sense since I’ve hardly been home–since where she lives is so rural and simple. I plan on reading, journalling, blogging, etc….all the good stuff I feel like I’ve been missing out on lately! I am bringing my TRX and my kettlebell and leaving my bike here–if I do much I think I’ll take it to the park or find a trail to run on while I’m there. I’m still tired from everything that’s been going on I think and one thing I am learning to take to heart is that if you’re tired or sick or injured, what’s the point in stressing yourself out with a workout that you feel like you SHOULD do? (Hint: there’s not much point for me!).

Anyways, it’s zen time! I hope you enjoyed my whining and ranting about the race and that you’re all happy since I’m back. 🙂

Have you ever done a Tough Mudder Race? What’d you think?
Do you do well with travelling?

Shopping, school, sunshine, and sweating

This morning I got all ready for school, excited even, and then headed up the hill to Brescia.

I made sure I had a good breakfast (cocoa oats with peanut butter and banana and egg whites) and the sun was shining.


Turns out my classmates and I were keeners and we only had afternoon class today.

I briefly thought about going for a blissful bike ride and was going to complain about having to teach spin and needing to save legs until I decided not to.

So instead I did what every girl in her right mind would do and went to the mall, where I proceeded to buy myself new shorts that fit (I had a tough time with this yesterday when my summer clothes–which are either a size too big or two too small so are not flattering and not serving me, really) and a bunch of cheap but cute bathing suits that I can mix and match with others in my closet.


I’m calling it back to school shopping and saying it was just plain necessary. To be honest, I have to say that it was needed. I was upset yesterday about going to the beach because I didn’t have anything to wear that fit comfortably, not because I didn’t want to be seen in shorts or a bathing suit. That’s new for me — even when the smaller stuff fit, I didn’t feel good. The picture from yesterday is one I actually love–and I take that as proof that this whole adjustment thing is actually happening. I honestly just needed clothes that make me feel comfortable. It’s not my body that I was upset over yesterday, it’s the fact that I didn’t have stuff to dress THIS body. And that made me feel wrong. And that’s not okay. Hence, those clothes aren’t serving me. And since I love shopping, buying new ones was easy as pie. I am not trying to brag, just to say that it does get easier to like your body. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops: I like how I look in a bathing suit! Weird tan lines, a little bit of pudge, strange bruises and all!

My eats today were random — an apple during shopping, a salad with carrots/sprouts/cherries/canned salmon for lunch that just didn’t do it for me. Blahhh. In fact it threw my stomach off.


After school finished, I met up with Andrew for a playground workout. It was kind of awesome to be swinging on monkey bars and playing in the sun, not to mention I haven’t run around like that in a while…

I was finally hungry after this workout so I had a quick dinner of a sandwich before heading to spin! The class was small but it was good nonetheless! Afterwards I went to the grocery store. Bad idea to shop when you’re tired. I think I took twice as long as normal! But if that’s the price I pay for having too much fun to go to the store this weekend then so be it.


When I got home, I immediately dove into the chocolate. I’m not going to lie, it might be subconscious stress over this summer school stuff/buying bigger clothes/being so happy (that sounds weird but it makes sense to me — though I’m reminding myself happy is where we are supposed to be)/the lack of an afternoon snack catching up with me, but I was kind of a chocolate monster tonight.

I gave up on the plain chocolate and decided to make it into a substantial/kind of more nutritious snack by adding in greek yogurt, cocoa, and coconut.



Well, with a home made coffee/cocoa concoction, success. I think I’m done with the chocolate for the night…

One thing I know: this isn’t a reason to beat myself up. It’s not a binge. It’s not proof that I’m out of control. It might be proof that I’m normal, in fact!

Anyways, as you can tell I’m getting delusional. And it’s another school night — so I think I’m heading to bed (if the sugar rush lets me sleep, that is).

How do you deal with chocolate cravings?
Do you like bathing suit shopping?
Have you ever realized you like your body and wanted to shout it from the rooftops?  

PS – I added a new page with a bunch of inspirational cheese. Enjoy!

Make like Martha

As promised, I’ve got recipes to share!

First off, a take on Jennifer’s Crispy Chewy Chocolate Peanut Butter Bars, which I made before. They came out oh so crumbly before, but this time appear to be holding together better, which is good since I made them as a birthday cake stand in for my sister (who is in field season and needs portable energy this time of year!).

Cheryl’s chocolately cranberry instead of cake bars


3 c. kamut puffs
1 c. oats
dash cinnamon
1 c. cranberries
1/4 c. cashews (chopped)
1/2 c. honey
1/4 c. brown sugar
1/2 c. peanut butter
1/2 c. cocoa

In a large bowl, combine kamut puffs, oats, cinnamon, cranberries, and cashews. Set aside.
Combine honey, brown sugar, and peanut butter in a saucepan. Heat til melted over medium heat.
Add cocoa and stir til combined.
Add heated mixture to bowl, stirring mixture ’til cereal is coated.
Spread and press into a greased 9×13 inch pan.
Cool in refrigerator before cutting into bars.

And to channel Martha you must be really epic.

And epic I was because I aced my first attempt at fudge (for Mother’s Day so you know it was made with love!). All while hustling against the clock to get to yoga on time today. Though it was based on a really simple recipe…I hope my mother approves. 🙂

Fudge you can’t fudge up

1 can sweetened, condensed milk3 c. chocolate chips (semisweet)
dash salt
2 tsp. vanilla
1 1/2 c. crushed walnuts

In a medium saucepan, heat condensed milk, chocolate chips and salt over medium heat, stirring until smooth (it will be thick but should not be lumpy).
Stir in vanilla and walnuts.
Press into a greased square pan.
Cool in refrigerator before cutting.

 And yum. Enjoy!

Squashing cravings, making sunshine

After a busy day, I was hungry and while I have plenty of tasty options to cook in my freezer (fish, turkey, etc.), I was craving the squash creation I ate pretty much every other day this winter. So I made it and loved every bite.

I also just knew I was craving chocolate today and that something was going to need to be done about it. I had a few of the peanut m and ms I got for Easter this afternoon and some more after dinner. They might be perfection–nuts, candy, chocolate. I’m set!

I had a legit reason to dig in–it’s better than digging into the cake I made for tomorrow’s Sunday Funday dinner!

I was trying to recreate one I made a couple times when I was in the deep of my cake decorating obsession. Naturally, I’m a bit rusty. But I loved decorating this thing!

One rule I have for my cake decorating…


You must make a mess.

The bigger the better!

This might be far fetched, but I think decorating cakes is a way for me to get in the zone. I felt the same way painting that mug yesterday. I always assumed my kind of “zone” would be sports or training. But I think it’s actually making something. Time to get down to work on that latch hook maybe? Or to learn how to crochet? It helped that I was just OKAY with having a handful of m&ms instead of feeling bad for sneaking a few here and there while I was decorating (something that I used to beat myself up over when I’d decorate them!).

I can remember too many times when I’d “overeat” and then end up feeling miserable, staying home, and beating myself up! Tonight I am going to keep my plans with friends, probably have a drink or two, and remember that it’s all about balance. I am not bingeing, I’m not eating all junk food all the time, and I don’t have to feel ashamed! Freedom.

What’s your favourite way to get crafty?
What kind of candy do you LOVE?

Frustrated Friday

This is going to look normal enough, but that’s what makes it frustrating.

Breakfast yesterday was typical–apples with cereal, soy milk, and some raisins…

A short run at a decent pace…


Me being a goof…

A typical peanut butter and carrot sandwich for lunch…

Greek yogurt and a banana for an afternoon nosh (on top of studying at Starbucks, of course)…


A giant salad for dinner…

Unphotographed but still normal — an apple after a particularly sweaty (and awesome) yoga class.

A bowl of salty pretzels in response to a craving…

…but what you don’t see is all the frustration and all the “nibbles” and “tastes” I had along with this (think grapes and berries galore, chocolate covered almonds, handfuls of cereal, etc.), or the evening “mini binge” I’ll get into in a bit…

This is a stressful time.
I have a history of using food to distract myself.
I am recovered.
I am strong and fit.

Writing my post about recovery writing yesterday coupled with anxiety over going home (or not going home) this weekend in combination with end of the semester work, my mystery shoulder pain, and other little stressors was a lot for me. I started to have thoughts like “I’m too fat for summer” and “I’m always going to be injured and out of shape” and even “If I could lose weight things would be fine” until I realized all of the things I know as truths: I’m in the process of finding my happy weight by letting it happen as a result of eating in a balanced way and exercising in an enjoyable manner, I am not doomed to be injured forever and there are tons of active things I could do with a hip, shoulder, whatever injury, and if I lost weight my assignments, fears about the future, and dirty apartment wouldn’t miraculously disappear–I’d just be lighter and probably hungrier.

Still, even after a productive day (a short run, lots of homework and blogging, seeing some friends, grocery shopping, yoga, etc.) I should have dove into bed. Instead I dove into old habits and dug into a bag of pretzels and chocolate chips. Throw in some chocolate covered almonds and you have what I consider a mini binge—delivered standing over the sink and with a hefty dose of anxiety and guilt. There is absolutely nothing wrong with those foods but there is something wrong with swallowing them whole, telling yourself you shouldn’t be eating them, and with giving them the power I did.

I was going to keep this to myself but I had an epiphany and I remembered that keeping things a secret out of shame just reinforces that something was shameful. This little slip isn’t something I need to be ashamed of. It is something I need to admit. It doesn’t mean I’m not recovered or that I’m letting Ed back in my life, because I am recovered and I intend to stay this way.

So for this epiphany, which comes in two parts:

1. Ed is like an ex boyfriend who wants me back and is pissed that I’m not interested. He gets particularly riled up when I’m getting happier than ever (who am I to like myself or to want to share my recovery tips?) or when I’m stressed (understandable).

2. This one is a bit harder to articulate but I’m going to try: Jenni Schaefer talked about a counter Ed during her recovery and I think I have a counter Ed on my hands. Last night my heart and my head told me to go to bed. But counter Ed told me that doing so, when I was kind of hungry, meant that I was listening to Ed (ie giving Ed the power to say I couldn’t have pretzels before bed). The truth is, I need to listen to ME. Not to either Ed. This is my life and I can decide to eat or not eat something and I don’t have to worry about proving anything to anyone by my choices.

Take that Ed. I’m going to enjoy a day of eating what my tummy wants, exercising if it feels good, and focusing on the right things: finishing assignments, seeing friends, and smiling more.

Do you know what I mean when I refer to counter Ed?
Have you ever dealt with anything like this? Tips?


Last night, after that sugary dessert (it was dried papaya and chocolate, yum yum yum), I was all sugared up. I used the sugar rush to do my laundry and clean my apartment. Garbage out. Recycles sorted and taken out. Vacuuming, dusting, organizing. I guess when you don’t want to write a paper or two, you can get a lot done…

I had a decent sleep but 5am came too soon this morning!


Master’s swim was good though. I went up a lane so it went fast cuz I didn’t have too much time to think. Not such a bad thing! Afterwards I swam a few extra laps to work on my flip turns so I did around 2800m (lots of it was with fins).

I had a good morning catching up with friends over coffee. I love my tri girls.


overnight oats with chocolate soy milk, coconut, chocolate chips, and banana 🙂

Now for the AWKWARD part. Nina had seen the dummy who drove up the hill in the Jeep on Monday and she saw him walk into the library this morning while we were hanging out. I obvs had to go take a look at him. Beach bum, varsity athlete, nonchalant. That was fine. Then he comes over to the spot where we were sitting to get a coffee and starts telling the women at the checkout that he got into “some trouble” — meanwhile we’re like staring him down and the women working are realizing what’s up because I was in the library when the police called and I got so upset. So needless to say,  it got awkward. He did say sorry, but he was also laughing and joking around about his car being towed and him having to pay 500 dollars to replace the grass.

What are the chances?!

Anyways, Chelsea came to Weldon so I went into the cubicles with her and did some work! Now I’m going to go run a few errands/have my dietitian appointment and then it’s home to my clean apartment where I hope I can focus on the paper I need to get done. There’s lots of fun this weekend (a baby shower, a nutrition symposium, a dance show), but I don’t think I’m going to be able to do it all and come out with a smile/a decent paper. I’m going to try my hardest.

This evening I’d like to do yoga OR go shopping with some girls. Either one’s a kind of stress relief…so I’m just going to play it by year. It’s another gorgeous day here but it looks like things are taking a turn for more seasonal soon (though I see some warmer stuff too!). Maybe that plus my super clean apartment will mean I’ll be more ready to do some work this weekend?

What are your plans for the weekend?
When do you find yourself most likely to clean? Good weather? Bad weather? Other things you should be doing?
Do you find shopping relaxing?