(Almost) wordless Wednesday

Today, in a (photographed) nut shell:

  • midnight snack

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  • breakfast attempt 1, with sour cottage cheese = fail

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  • breakfast attempt number 2, with chocolate chips = pure success

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  • my reaction to the rain/bad hair day conditions upon my decision to walk to Brescia today

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  • the products of our lab work today

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  • my PB and pumpkin butter sandwich with sprouts and carrots

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  • my vice (it’s decaf)

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  • my daily mile post for the day:
  • how i spent my afternoon: mother daughter time and pedicures
  • dinner: after just an apple as an afternoon snack, this came at a hangry point (bad idea, folks!) thus there are a few handfuls of unphotographed croutons that were absolutely necessary

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  • how I’m feeling: awesome, loving the positive feedback on last night’s post and really trying to carry all those realizations forward and live them out!

And that’s all. Promise to be back with tons of words soon.

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Shopping, school, sunshine, and sweating

This morning I got all ready for school, excited even, and then headed up the hill to Brescia.

I made sure I had a good breakfast (cocoa oats with peanut butter and banana and egg whites) and the sun was shining.

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Turns out my classmates and I were keeners and we only had afternoon class today.

I briefly thought about going for a blissful bike ride and was going to complain about having to teach spin and needing to save legs until I decided not to.

So instead I did what every girl in her right mind would do and went to the mall, where I proceeded to buy myself new shorts that fit (I had a tough time with this yesterday when my summer clothes–which are either a size too big or two too small so are not flattering and not serving me, really) and a bunch of cheap but cute bathing suits that I can mix and match with others in my closet.

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I’m calling it back to school shopping and saying it was just plain necessary. To be honest, I have to say that it was needed. I was upset yesterday about going to the beach because I didn’t have anything to wear that fit comfortably, not because I didn’t want to be seen in shorts or a bathing suit. That’s new for me — even when the smaller stuff fit, I didn’t feel good. The picture from yesterday is one I actually love–and I take that as proof that this whole adjustment thing is actually happening. I honestly just needed clothes that make me feel comfortable. It’s not my body that I was upset over yesterday, it’s the fact that I didn’t have stuff to dress THIS body. And that made me feel wrong. And that’s not okay. Hence, those clothes aren’t serving me. And since I love shopping, buying new ones was easy as pie. I am not trying to brag, just to say that it does get easier to like your body. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops: I like how I look in a bathing suit! Weird tan lines, a little bit of pudge, strange bruises and all!

My eats today were random — an apple during shopping, a salad with carrots/sprouts/cherries/canned salmon for lunch that just didn’t do it for me. Blahhh. In fact it threw my stomach off.

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After school finished, I met up with Andrew for a playground workout. It was kind of awesome to be swinging on monkey bars and playing in the sun, not to mention I haven’t run around like that in a while…

I was finally hungry after this workout so I had a quick dinner of a sandwich before heading to spin! The class was small but it was good nonetheless! Afterwards I went to the grocery store. Bad idea to shop when you’re tired. I think I took twice as long as normal! But if that’s the price I pay for having too much fun to go to the store this weekend then so be it.

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When I got home, I immediately dove into the chocolate. I’m not going to lie, it might be subconscious stress over this summer school stuff/buying bigger clothes/being so happy (that sounds weird but it makes sense to me — though I’m reminding myself happy is where we are supposed to be)/the lack of an afternoon snack catching up with me, but I was kind of a chocolate monster tonight.

I gave up on the plain chocolate and decided to make it into a substantial/kind of more nutritious snack by adding in greek yogurt, cocoa, and coconut.

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Success!

Well, with a home made coffee/cocoa concoction, success. I think I’m done with the chocolate for the night…

One thing I know: this isn’t a reason to beat myself up. It’s not a binge. It’s not proof that I’m out of control. It might be proof that I’m normal, in fact!

Anyways, as you can tell I’m getting delusional. And it’s another school night — so I think I’m heading to bed (if the sugar rush lets me sleep, that is).

How do you deal with chocolate cravings?
Do you like bathing suit shopping?
Have you ever realized you like your body and wanted to shout it from the rooftops?  

PS – I added a new page with a bunch of inspirational cheese. Enjoy!

Unexpected epiphanies

Wowzer. I didn’t have any intention of this being a post about realizations or anything bigger than a bike ride this afternoon (45km ish with a friend :)!), cleaning, and what I ate today. Funny how blogging can spark insight…enjoy:

I think I blogged before that I’m feeling a bit stuck in my routine of eating the same things over and over again.

Kashi berry crisp, all bran buds, and grapes with yogurt!

My breakfast bowl was a little different, which is a start.

I spent the morning working on making my apartment presentable (it’s not disorganized mess — I have lots of things to go to my mom’s place for the winter like my boots/coats/etc.). I closed my closets for the first time in 2012! Yahoo. I also made it to the bank, which has been on my to do list for a while. Check! Then I stopped at Bulk Barn.

Things got out of hand…and there are treat bags that I can’t help but reveal.

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gluten, dairy, soy, almond/peanut free for Angela (it's my version of chicken noodle soup since she's sick :(!): think dried fruit (bananas, papaya, pineapple, and mango), dates, and skittles

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My road trip dream: yogurt covered pretzels, pretzels, chocolate covered almonds, mixed nuts, papaya, banana chips, and chocolate rosebuds

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Everything I think my mom will like! 🙂

You’d be surprised to know I went on this bulk barn blitz AFTER lunch (another turkey sandwich with cheese, sprouts, mayo, and an apple — back to boring). I couldn’t finish my lunch, though, which brings me to a weird realization I had (that probably led me to feel “brave” enough to buy MYSELF a treat bag!). Get ready for this.

  • In the past, I have ALWAYS finished my plate. I cannot remember the last time I left anything on it. I sometimes think I’m just really good at knowing how much food I want, but I think it’s a remnant of dieting days where I would literally need everything on my plate (I also wouldn’t share food then, because every bite meant so much to me) or of my recovery days where I think I cleaned a heftier plate to prove I was recovering. — NEWS FLASH: You don’t have an ED if you decide not to finish something. You also should feel fine to finish things and to go back for more. The goal is to feel satisfied–not stuffed! 
  • This epiphany made me realize that I really can leave behind old habits.
  • In the past, I also would go out and buy road trip snacks for the people I was travelling with, trying to buy things I “don’t like” anyways. Often, I’d end up eating them with my friends/family and I wouldn’t even be having what I wanted, PLUS I’d be serving up a hefty dose of guilt in the process (it’s hard to ENJOY something as a TREAT when you hear a voice telling you that you shouldn’t be eating it). — NEWS FLASH: We all deserve treats. If we allow ourselves to eat food and to enjoy it without telling ourselves we shouldn’t, they will be more satisfying and will serve their purpose as a treat–not as a reason to beat ourselves up, not as something emotional, etc. 

All this thinking made me realize: I can go away this week and I can worry about what I’m eating. Or I can truly try to channel that healthy girl I know I am and find the voice that empowers me to eat in a way that is normal, balanced, and healthy and that doesn’t use food as a distraction, a means to beat myself up, etc. I can change. Evidenced by the empowerment I felt by just deciding that I was full and didn’t need the entire plate at lunch or by the simple act of making myself an uber appealing treat bag, I can change. I can be the healthy girl I want to be. I am her! My goal for the week is to eat things in moderation. Candy on a daily basis, most likely. American junk food that I wouldn’t let myself ENJOY in the past (though I’d end up eating lots of it in bingeing fashion). Things like white bread and white potatoes (which the blogging world has a tendency to label “bad” but really are not the devil) and butter, full fat cheese, and whatever else comes up along the way. I’m not going on a junk food eating bender here. When I allow myself that flexibility and see myself succeeding and eating as a balanced person would, I feel so powerful. I know in my heart that I will crave vegetables and fruit and nutritious foods and that I will eat them–so no worries that I’m going to die from a nutritionally related disease next week, kiddos! The thing that I think people often forget that I’m trying to remind myself: I eat to live. The food I put in my body is fuel. If food is holding you back, could you just let go? What would happen if it didn’t have power? Might you not weigh what you’re supposed to (more, less, the same) without stressing about it? Might you not have more time and energy to spend working on things that matter and to seek out experiences? Because really, what are we here for if it’s not to live?

And I apologize for getting all philosophical, deep, recovery-like on you there, but I hope that made sense. I also hope I can take it and apply it.

So for dinner tonight, when I was seriously craving peanut butter and cereal, I went with it. And along the same vein as I realized above, feeling guilty about not eating veggies won’t serve me. Feeling bad about eating a lot of cereal in a day also won’t. Recognizing that at the end of the day, I fuelled myself and didn’t binge, didn’t use food as an excuse, didn’t let it rule my life: that’s healthy! So probably is my fibre intake…

Anywho, it’s time for me to finish packing and then to go get my zen on. I’m really excited for this trip…

Bring on the Tasty Cakes.

Bring on the family bonding (I miss my Grandma and uncle, I can’t remember the last time my mom and I took a road trip).

Bring on the pretty drive.

Bring on the time to read.

Bring on the time to sleep.

Bring on the bike rides in the hills.

Bring on the happy!

Have you had any of these realizations before?
What would be in your treat bag?
Have you had tasty cakes (I think I need a supplier)? 

Life is messy

Today ended up being a bit counter productive, but in the long run, these days are important.

I had an awesome rainy run this morning on the trails. I got lost a little and found myself walking a tree like a tight rope to get back to a path. It happens, and when it does you realize running on the road is oh so boring. I had Garmin issues and I was a soggy rat but I was smiling.

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My lunch was uber early since I worked up an appetite on the trails. Warning: this picture is terrible. But it’s a turkey and cheese sandwich with sprouts and mayo (no surprises here) and an apple.

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After lunch a hurricane hit my apartment, or maybe I tore everything out of my hallway and bedroom closets/drawers?  I worked away on it all afternoon, but I took a break to meet with a prof (about doing my Masters, but that will have to wait until after my nutrition degree is done and who knows what I’ll be passionate about by then, but still cool and I really did enjoy sociology so…I’m keeping my options open! RD with a Masters in Food Sociology? Does that exist? Maybe…or maybe I’ll have to pioneer it) and to have a session with my counsellor, which was a lot about the voices in my head. If that’s not stereotypical of a shrink session, what is? I’m just kidding…but seriously. I wrote down the things that my dominant (the disempowering voice I hear so much) voice (right now) says — things like “you’re meant to be fat. you’re not pretty enough. you’ll always be single. you’re lazy” — and the things my empowering voice says — “your deserve all the good in the world. you’re perfect. you are beautiful. you’re smart.” — and then committed to at least trying to entertain this positive voice more in my life. There’s a good goal if I’ve ever set one!

Anyways, I made some good progress in my apartment as the before/after below will show:

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I also took a break for a snack that I didn’t get a photo of (I was hungry): Kashi organic wheat biscuits and peanut butter. Random but delicious. The ingredients list for the cereal is literally wheat, sugar, and natural flavours. Simple, yummy, easy!

And I whipped up a good dinner with some of the ingredients I know I should eat up before I go away for the week: a spinach salad with acorn squash, turkey, and cranberries (there was maple dressing in the mix, of course, and a few pecans). I think this is the first time I didn’t eat my acorn squash cut in half with a spoon. It was awesome so expect to see me spice it up with squash from now on.

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After spin tonight (the class was awesome — I used almost the same playlist as Friday since I was at a different gym but I changed the order around a bit since hindsight is 20/20), I was hungry!

My snack is more delicious than beautiful: a banana with peanut butter and coconut and chocolate chips. You know there were a few extra licks of peanut butter and I’m not really going to be ashamed to admit that.

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Now it’s time for me to:

a) sleep

b) read blogs

c) work on my summer to do list

d) clean

e) work on my freelance assignment

f) foam roll

I think b) is going to win. Then a), of course (I made sure my bedroom is clean so I have a nice place to crash soon). I’m reminding myself I’ll be able to write from my Grandma’s with my downtime and that my article isn’t due for another week (and I already have sources!) and trying not to let the anxious “you’ll never get it done” voice rule when I have never not gotten it done before…so there!

It’s impossible to believe that tomorrow is May, and I’m going to go ahead and set goals:

  • find my empowering voice — and write down what it says at least once a day
  • act like the person I want to be — i.e. get dressed in clothes that fit now and make me feel good, not in comfy clothes so I can work out or in clothes that are uncomfortably tight just to prove I can; eat things that I picture a healthy, happy version of me eating (not the same thing day after day) in a way that I would do so in front of people (i.e. chew?); take the time to take care of myself and my things (i.e. do my laundry and put it away where it belongs, do my dishes every night so I don’t wake up feeling lazy, paint my nails, etc.)
  • do more workouts with friends and outside (if this is an option, take it!)
  • do one thing every week just for the sake of fun (I played my violin the other day and as rusty as I was, it was bliss)
  • for every magazine I bring in, take two out (I have a problem in the form of hundreds of magazines)
  • make a vision board (I have wanted to do this for so long–who’s in?! for real!)
  • eat dessert with friends at least once a week (or more, but at least!)
  • read more books (before bed, when I’m “bored”, and when I’m killing time–rather than just texting, reading random things online, or worrying that I should be doing something productive)
And now methinks I should call it a night! I’ve got a bunch of cleaning to finish up tomorrow, a bike ride with a friend to look forward to (hoping for sunshine!), and maybe a yoga class if I’m feeling good. Oh, and errands. And packing. And smiling. Busy!

Have your set any goals for yourself lately? Care to share?
Do you hear different voices in your head? Any tips for listening to the “nice” one?
What’s your favourite way to eat squash?

 

Off to a good start

Happy Saturday!

The rest of yesterday went fast and was filled with fun.

The spin class at campus rec was fun to teach–Chelsea made it out, which always makes things more fun, and the mic worked. Bonus.

After class, Ellen and Angela came over to eat dinner/get ready for our evening on the town. I made BBQ chicken, potatoes, and salad, which tasted great with good company and good wine!

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Our night out was fun, but a little bittersweet since a bunch of people are leaving (for the summer mostly, but Nina is done and Western and that brings a tear to my eye because I love her to death!).

We tried to ease the pain with tequila…

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JK. But that did happen!

So did lots of dancing, staying out way past our bedtimes, and plenty of fun.

I managed to sleep in til 10 today (a miracle for me!). I finally got up and had some breakfast, coffee with Angela, and then headed for my run.

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Of course I forgot to start my Garmin, but that makes my time unofficial (but trust me, my pace was slow). I took it to the trails along the river here. Best. Decision. Ever. It was gorgeous and nice to get out of the “how fast are these miles” kind of trap and to the “omg I better leap over this tree trunk”…I love trails! I won’t lie though, I had to sit on a branch and crawl over it on two occasions…it happens!

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When I got home I stretched and did a quick circuit 3x through: 25 sit ups, 20 kettle bell swings, 15 pushups, 10 squats, and 5 burpees. FYI burpees the day after you party a little too hard feel even more awesome than normal…

After a shower my stomach was growling so I had a late lunch (turkey and alfalfa sandwich with cheese and mayo plus some pickles).

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Tonight my mom’s coming for a visit and I have plans to see “The Five Year Engagement” — I hope it’s as funny as it looks in the previews. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to the movies so I’m really looking forward to it.

How are you spending your weekend?
Do you like running on trails?  

 

 

Girl talk

Oh gosh. I could literally scream right now out of frustration that I am using a terribly slow/annoying PC (it was mine, my mom took it off my hands when I got my Mac <– Macs are where it’s at!) but I’m just gonna be grateful she’s letting me snag it for the night, cuz clearly you’re all eager for a recap. 😉 Yeah, I’m delusional.

Today, I just went with it. After my slow sit on the bridge, I made it to my doctor’s appointment just barely on time. Besides having to pee like a racehorse, I also was starving. I had nothing to eat but this granola bar that’s been kickin’ it in my glove compartment all winter. Appetizing, no?

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Anyways, it tided me over. There was an Arby’s near my docs and since my mom and I were going to eat each other soon, we went there for a quick sandwich. I had a market fresh one and was oh so satisfied. It’d be a lie if I said I didn’t kind of want curly fries, but I held back cuz these sandwiches are big! And delicious, FYI.

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Now, boys should stop reading, girls should dive right in, it’s about to go to the topics of periods and girly stuff.

I have blogged before about how I haven’t had a regular period in years. Regardless of my weight, training, etc. I had it normally for years and years until my first struggle with ED in high school. I think it’s been 4 years since I’ve seen anything…and back in high school, I had a bone density scan that kind of scared me into my first attempt at recovery. Things are better now, back to normal, and on track. Anyways…

The first question this new doc asked me: “Do you have a sex drive?” Maybe you guys can relate if you’ve struggled with this–the answer is no. I have no problem saying that I used to be BOY CRAZY and now am pretty much not. Yes, crushes. But raging hormones? None around here.

So that was taken care of and she explained to me that I should probably get back on track with my hormones via birth control, even if it’s kind of a bandaid. I asked and she said I’d probably FEEL better if I was in the normal range even if it was coming from birth control. Fair enough. I’d like to feel like a girl again.

My issue in the past with the pill is that I get nasty migraines whenever I take it. I’ve tried a few different brands and even the low dose types increase my migraines (which come on with auras and knock me out entirely) so I was of course scared to hear where she was going with this. But luckily she suggested the ring, which she says probably won’t cause migraines since it won’t require the hormones to be metabolized by my liver. Sounds good to me. I’m in. The only problem is that since I’ve not had a period in ages, I have to do a progesterone “challenge” (i.e. as graphic as it is to clear things out) beforehand. So I’ll suck it up and do it and pray I don’t get migraines.

Now my fear: I’ll be boy crazy, moody, etc. Nah, I’m going to go with this: I have my thyroid largely under control now (I think) and this is just another step towards balancing everything out. The doc explained that lots of athletes, even girls like me who are at healthy weights, don’t have enough body fat to make the hormones. So I told her about my various weights and still not having it and she said exercise and training and having a high muscle mass will do it. And I believe her. She said I’d have to stop training and gain fat to get it back — as an extreme — and that that is NOT necessary. Phew. I don’t mind the gaining fat part, so if I want to get pregnant years from now, bring it on, but I do mind the not training, the not knowing if it’s worth it, etc. I just want to feel good. So like I said, this is refreshing. I am en route to feeling my best in years, and I am choosing to really believe that!

And end girly talk.

After the appointment, my mom and I got her some groceries at WalMart and then came back. I did an awesome power yoga class tonight and then made a quick easy dinner with the rotisserie chicken my mom bought for her and her boyfriend. Then I stole the computer and now here I am! I am going to keep you updated on those girly issues because I know a lot of us go through this and wonder if there is a problem/solution/if we should be worried and doing something!

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I’ll see you all soon — I have a few posts up my sleeve just waiting to be written!

I love road trips and reunions

I think I could easily have written a post on how to have a perfect day.

Start with lots of lazy blogging and coffee.

Move on to a run with good company (in my case Ellen, who is always so positive and leaves me feeling happy as a clam!).  Bonus points if it’s sunny out and you can run in a tank top.

Make your lunch delicious–fresh bread, anyone?

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Toss in some tasty snacks — an apple, a granola bar, a yogurt mess — and then hit the road.

Connect with old friends and make a few new.

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Eat something delicious at a restaurant everyone should try.

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And do something cool — make crafts! Realize you might not be artsy, but that doesn’t mean you’re not crafty.

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If you can, also get to spend time with one of the most wonderful people you’ve met–here comes a little love letter to Lisa, who literally has been there for me through thick and thin.

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Whether I need someone to call, eat puppy chow with, go for a run with, sit around and “reflect” with, or laugh my butt off with, she’s a go to kind of girl.

This seems appropriate, given the Anais Nin theme I started with my mug…

It also seems appropriate to be asleep right now!

When’s the last time you connected with an old friend?
Do you like making crafts? What’s your favourite?


Things to do when you can’t sleep

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…NOT. I am stressed. I know this for many reasons including the fact that I can’t sleep. For someone used to going to bed at 10:30 and waking up at 5:30, being awake at 2:30 (I tweeted to mark the time) is not ideal. I tossed and turned for a while and finally got hungry enough to just get up. I admittedly had a real coffee later than normal yesterday, but I think my mind racing had more to do with not being able to sleep. Eventually, I unset my alarm and got up, snacked, and worked on my take home exam/essay some more. Things to do besides worry about not being able to sleep:

  • read blogs
  • write in your journal
  • embrace the opportunity to have a true “midnight snack”
  • research wild trips you’ll likely never be able to go on—or find one you actually want to try! (I am particularly drawn to the semester long treks through NOLS)
  • finish the draft of an essay you’re worried about
  • read a book
  • paint your nails
  • clean
Those come from experience. Enjoy.

My midnight snack of choice was a boring bowl of greek yogurt that got more exciting when I added a spoonful of peanut butter. I think there’s a saying that a spoonful of peanut butter makes life complete? 😉 20120410-073052.jpg I almost repeated my morning snack, which was similar—greek yogurt with honey, cocoa, and a few Mini Eggs. I think my thoughts just caught up with me at night because I was going all day and didn’t have time for them to sink in or swirl around my head. After my morning post yesterday, I ended up spinning at the gym before heading to The Gazette. I ran into Nina and ended up eating lunch (turkey sandwich with leftover kale chips). I love seeing her, but realizing we are almost done this semester and that she might not be here next year makes me uber sad and reminds me of all the other good friends who are going to be friends from remote locations after this year :(! I worked for a bit but I started to get really anxious about my assignments so I went to the library. I saw Ellen, who has a knack for making me happier, and sat in the less stressful cafe part of the library where eating my afternoon granola bar wouldn’t piss everyone off and where my stress levels wouldn’t increase by association. 20120410-073032.jpg Afterwards, I went for a swim! Luckily I had company, otherwise I’d probably have bailed. I did a short set with more kicking than was originally planned to save my shoulder a bit of stress. It really didn’t hurt much, just felt tight, so I don’t know what to do. I have a massage (for my hip, mostly) on Thursday, but I think I’ll see if getting her to loosen up my oh so stressed back/neck/shoulders helps things out. I also have physio on Friday so I can bring it up there too! After the swim, I had dinner with Nina (spinach salad with leftover sweet potatoes, salmon, cranberries, and pecans) and after arming myself with Mini Eggs, we met Angela for a night of studying at Starbucks. Studying with friends makes me more likely to smile and not to go into tunnel vision about “never finishing this essay” or about “having nothing to do in the summer”—common worries for me during the final stretch here! So, even though it’s kind of a stressful time, I’m trying really hard to spend as much time with people as I can and to enjoy the last bit of time here! I had a few “OMG I AM SO GLAD I’M COMING BACK NEXT YEAR” moments yesterday. Not only does taking time to see people and to just slow down keep me sane and make me happy, it also is important since the semester is coming to an end and I’m realizing how much I’m going to miss these folks. And, tear. 20120410-073036.jpg This morning I woke up a little full from last night’s middle of the night snack, sad that I missed swim, but ready to get on with my day. I started things off with a few of my favourite things: cereal, coffee, and blogging. It’s on to working on my exam, trying to make it to campus, spinning, and teaching bootcamp. Busy is better than bored! Do you get stressed when things end/change? What do you do if you can’t sleep? What kind of trip would you go on if you had unlimited money and resources?  

Monday madness

I wish the madness was the fact that my lunch and dinner were strikingly similar…

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DINNER: hummus and veg sandwich (plus tahini)

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LUNCH: veg and nut butter sandwich

Or that I had a seriously awesome massage today.

Or this Clif bar.

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Or that I’m about to leave to teach a spin class INDOORS when it’s honestly June-like outside (good thing I love kicking butts into shape regardless).

But nope..

It’s that I was reported today to the campus police for a parking violation that is pretty much out of the realm of things I’d fathom doing in my rav 4. Not to mention out of question since I have a parking pass.

Being called during class and told you’re being towed and that you drove over a soccer field and up a hill (see below) that I think is impossible to get up without a hummer will shake you up a bit. As will finding two parking tickets for things you didn’t do (I should pay A ticket for not exiting after swim and re-entering, but I will not just pay one of the ones I got since they say I drove AROUND a gate (which was open) and that I drove through landscaping and up a hill to get to the parking spot I have parked in all semester). We enter the building at 6am and luckily I swiped my card today when I got to swim. I am not arrested and my car isn’t towed, but I was off all day for it. Oh well. It gave the Gazette office some laughs when the other editors had to comfort me over the phone. “Cheryl’s on a hill…” It’s not a story I can really describe…just a bit ABSURD. RIDICULOUS also comes to mind. I’m not that lazy or that CRAZY to drive up a hill covered with trees.

20120319-183457.jpgAnd sigh*

I’m done ranting. I think I bawled to about 6 people over this today. Thanks for the hugs folks!

I’m off to the gym now–hoping for a mic that works and some eager spinners to make for a fun class.